At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
