She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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