We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
