the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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