I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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