speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
