I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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