I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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