What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
