Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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