If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
