dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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