Pants 0. Shit 1.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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