im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just gargled with NyQuil
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
