Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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