things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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