Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
