I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
