when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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