I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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