If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
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