did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
