At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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