my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
