Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Randomize
