i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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