I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
