I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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