she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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