oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I want a musical about memes.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
