never play flip cup with pint glasses
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
