I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
