Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
