So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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