my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
