I just saw a hot homeless man
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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