I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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