My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
