I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
