jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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