The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
The adults are the big ones right?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
