Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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