he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
