This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
