I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
