Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
