lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
