I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
If I had your ass I would rule the world
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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