The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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