I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
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