you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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