Cold hands, warm shart.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
