If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
