My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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