the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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