so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Drunk is not a location!
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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