Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
