were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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