I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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