Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
