I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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