I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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