I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
